I’ve been using the word overwhelmed to describe my emotional experience throughout this COVID pandemic. Overwhelmed by its ominous presence; overwhelmed by its ease of contagion; overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of those infected. But mostly, overwhelmed by the possibility of people I love dying from it.
Tache tells me to stop worrying. He rationally explains how we’re all going to get it and either you’ll die or you won’t. At this point, his sensibility – which I ordinarily appreciate as one of his distinguishing characteristics – is completely worthless. I tell him I’m not worried; I’m overwhelmed. There’s a difference.
Per Merriam-Webster, worry is “to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts.” Overwhelmed is “to overcome completely in mind or feeling.” There’s a difference.
My birthday was on April 2. It was one of those “big ones,” one of those years people consider a milestone. And given that fourth decade milestone I was reaching, I was bound and determined it was going to be worth all those years leading up to it. We were to be lounging on a beach at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico, where – as I imaged it – I would just sort of nod towards the tiki bar and a drink with an umbrella would be delivered by a very kind, very muscular, very shirtless Mexican pool boy. Perhaps his name would be Rico. Rico Suave. I would order guacamole and chips one after another, to the point where I would finally just say, “keep ‘em coming, Rico.” That was supposed to be my big birthday bash.
A couple weeks ago (which feels like four decades in and of itself), we decided to cancel those big birthday bash plans, thinking perhaps this virus would cancel the plans for us. To be honest, we had no idea at that time what was to come. Seattle was still the hotspot. New York was just a COVID blip on the radar. It actually felt like we were being a bit ridiculous. I remember I called another friend that was planning to meet us in Mexico and she was baffled we would cancel.
Since then, it’s become clear that no birthday celebration was going to happen – either in Mexico or the US. And since then, I’ve continued to be overwhelmed by the magnitude of what’s happening. But on my birthday, I felt a new sense of the word overwhelm. I was totally overwhelmed by all the people that have been a part my life – either my entire life, pretty damn close to my entire life, many years or the new few that have come into my life since moving to Washington. All of these wonderful people joined a ridiculous virtual party to wish me a happy birthday. It was wonderful.
I was completely overwhelmed by love, laughter, familiarity and total joy. For 45 minutes, my feelings were bursting “completely in mind or feeling,” but in the exact opposite direction of what they have been the past month. It was probably hard to tell because my eyes are so squinty (thanks, dad!), but I teared up as every person shared stories of my life. (Interestingly, all of which seemed to lead to me being a troublemaker, albeit a “spirited” one.) I honestly didn’t want the party to end. I wanted everyone to stay right there – talking, sharing, laughing, pretending like the reality that’s out there isn’t really there. It was the best virtual party ever.
So, I just want to say thank you to each and every person who made a virtual appearance at my birthday party. I feel so lucky (I won’t say blessed or Delia might explode – like her eyebrows! ZING!) to have so many amazing people in my life. I love you all… and don’t forget, mark your calendars for April 2, 2021 – Mexico for my 40th!!
Yo Lo, as your generator would say, the party was awesome though a bit unconventional. Such are these scary times. Mexico in 2021 and the good news, you won’t be a year older. Love Lainners
I’ve enjoyed your pad and your words. This 40th birthday will be the one you will remember and recall most throughout you’re life.
Auntie N